Are you cohousing curious? Letter Number Three from a Cohousing Newbie

What is it like to join a cohousing community? In the Spring of 2022, I jumped into that uncertainty in Sonoma County, California. Periodically I’ll try to share the experience and answer questions via a series of “Letters from FrogSong.”

Maybe you’ve said to your friends or yourself: it’s a cool idea, but…how does it actually work? I know that before I arrived, my enthusiasm was great – but my understanding of day-to day life in community was vague.

Today I see that because the community is a collection of individual households in discreet homes, lots of home life is familiar – but maybe with a twist.

For example, I turn out the lights and go to bed when I want to! But there’s an informal agreement to leave our porch lights on at night. It’s easy to do and improves community safety, so I do my best to remember.

Below are some other examples of daily cohousing life.

Laundry

Starving students and city dwellers: what’s the worst part of going to the corner laundromat? Is it the bill changing machine that’s always broken? The enormous dust bunnies tumbling across the floor? The fear of having your favorite tee shirt stolen when you step out for a cup of coffee?

Froggies share a laundry with none of those problems. The energy-efficient washers have names (and personalities – Mrs. Whoozit is s-l-o-w). Because the community built a drought-fighting gray water system, biodegradable laundry soap is required, and there appears to be a consensus or an unspoken rule that only unscented products be used, which is a huge relief for asthmatic me.

What’s more: dry-erase 5 x 8 cards are available to indicate to others how to handle your wet things in the event that you haven’t returned before they need to use the washer. With trust in your fellow Froggies, you may place the card atop your machine and select options:

• Transfer to dryer? Y / N
• Please Dry My Clothes:  
• heat options
• duration options

Some of us have washers and dryers in our homes, but use of the shared facility is financially incentivized. Plus, “solar dryers,” aka clotheslines, beckon us under the northern California skies immediately outside the laundry room door.

How virtuous I feel, hanging up my wet things (still no undies, but maybe next time!)

Recycling

Although many Froggies are exquisitely – even professionally – attuned to best practices in green living, we “take out the trash” just like everybody else. Under contract with the local vendor Recology, the community has a commercial - sized recycling bin at the edge of the property.

Apparently Recology sets its rules based on their regional ability to process compost, paper, plastic and glass. Adhering to those rules keeps recycling efficient and prevents “wishcycling.”

I learned this the embarrassing way, when I put something in the wrong bin! A Froggie observer noticed and circulated the picture, above, with a list of local recycling rules. It turns out the local rules are different from those in my former home.

Although said Froggie was initially a little scolding in tone, when I confessed to my crime – and confusion – they later apologized, and the whole community had a teachable moment.

Upcycling and sharing: further reducing the landfill

Household items, new and used, are often shared informally. For example, a few weeks ago an apparently distracted warehouse worker packed an extraneous plastic kitchen gadget into the box with my ordered item. “Keep it!” the company said when I called to report the error. I didn’t want or need the extra item, but another grateful Froggie did, and within an hour it was off my hands.

Art supplies, camping gear, bicycle parts and computer peripherals are just some of the things I’ve observed fit the aphorism: “One Froggie’s trash is another Froggie’s treasure!”

I got rid of a disliked jar of pickles yesterday. Who knows what lies ahead?

Letter Number Two from a Cohousing Newbie

 

What is it like to join a cohousing community? In the Spring of 2022, I jumped into that uncertainty in Sonoma County, California. Periodically I’ll try to share the experience and answer questions via a series of “Letters from FrogSong.”

 

Comfort Zone

The water is my happy place, so shortly after my arrival I learned how to use the county’s public pool. As I prepared to lower myself into the deep end last week, I startled at the sound of my name.

 “Eve!” The enthusiastic shout came from a few lanes over. After a moment of cognitive dissonance, I recognized it was the friendly Froggie L!

This was my first experience seeing a FrogSong resident on the outside. I soon realized she was there with another Froggie: O, who was much closer to me in the pool. I introduced myself, even though O probably recognized me, or at least knew me as the “newbie.”

O and I treaded in the deep water and made small talk. I grumbled about the shape of my flotation belt. “You know,” O said after I demonstrated it, “yours might be ideal to have on the trip I’m about to make.”

And just like that, a swap was arranged. While O and her husband are in the Pacific Northwest, she will use my “more portable” belt. I will use her sturdy blue one. Smiles all around! This spontaneous swap represents a new, FS-specific experience that is well within my comfort zone.

Other examples include:

• a spontaneous walk with S, who surprised me with a knock at my door after supper one evening
• Invitations to share and participate in: meals, casual hangouts and political activism
• daylight dips in the clothing-optional hot tub. Yeah, you heard me! Water is my happy place

 

Discomfort Zone

But what parts of living at FS have I discovered are not within my comfort zone?

"To live in cohousing you have to let go of a lot of control, there’s a surrendering. I’m drawn to the growth that comes out of this surrender, and still, sometimes I ask myself, ‘What am I getting into?’" (Silvine Farnell, Silver Sage senior cohousing, as quoted in With a Little Help From Our Friends: Creating Community as We grow Older, Baker, 2014)

•   The inefficiency of a non-hierarchical gardening team 
• “I thought you watered the seedlings!”
• The patience required to solve problems with a group of strangers
• Why is the washing machine / heat / gate latch still broken?
• Hanging my newly laundered underwear on the community clotheslines
• {blushing}

Note: these are examples of things not currently in my comfort zone. But challenging and expanding one’s comfort zone is an element of the cohousing lifestyle.

Lesson: nobody other than me is pushing my boundary – that is, I chose this lifestyle. And I feel safe here to respond authentically. In due time and in supportive community, my comfort zone can expand.

 #

 

On April 1, 2022 I became a tenant Froggie. I have sworn not to take this unique opportunity for granted! I plan to share what I learn. I hope to discover:

·       What do community members love about their lifestyle? What irritates them?

·       What is most surprising to me as a newcomer?

·       How does the community communicate? How does it resolve conflict?

·       What types of activities are shared? What tools and resources?

·       How does the surrounding community interact with the cohousing community?

And lots more. I will answer readers’ questions to the best of my ability! Watch this space for Letter Number Three!

Letter Number One from a Cohousing Newbie

What is it like to join a cohousing community? In the spring of 2022 I jumped into that uncertainty in Sonoma County, California. Periodically I’ll try to share the experience and answer questions via a series of “Letters from a Cohousing Newbie.”

Landscaping lessons

I don’t think I could have made more blunders in a short encounter if I tried!

I’d only lived at FrogSong Cohousing for three days when, outside my kitchen window, I saw a woman hard at work, pulling plants out of a nearby garden bed, tossing them into a wheelbarrow. 

Each time I peeked out the window the wheelbarrow was fuller. After 15 minutes or so, I created a meager excuse to step outside and greet her. She took a break and introduced herself as “J.” I thanked her for her labor. But before I knew it, I had offered an opinion that wasn't solicited. (Really, Eve?)

I characterized some of other beds as “overgrown.” J paused. Then she pointed out that people have different opinions about how to maintain the landscaping. She took time to demonstrate how she differentiated between helpful groundcovers and water-hogging weeds. 

Note taken: “People have different opinions.” J probably knows that because she’s heard a lot of them! And opinions are respected here. Froggies (yes, this is what we call ourselves) agree to make decisions by consensus. That means every voice is equal in its power to veto a decision. Knowing this inspires participation and a sense of agency.

Lesson: Don’t assume somebody wants my opinion! And remember always to respect the opinions of the other members of the community.

Rainbow over FrogSong: April 21, 2022

Where am I? 

FrogSong: a 2.3 acre, mixed use (residential/commercial) development on the main drag in Cotati, Sonoma County, California (population 7500), about one hour north of San Francisco.

Why now? Why cohousing? 

As a child in Pennsylvania, I was a Girl Scout with Boy Scout brothers. I thought I had learned to “Be Prepared.” But decades later in San Francisco when my marriage hit an enormous snag, I was definitely not prepared. 

As 2021 drew to a close I spent many anxious hours in my home office, Googling frantically and talking with friends in multiple time zones. I was trying to envision my life’s next chapter. Over time it became clear to me that – fear and sorrow notwithstanding – separating from my wife created an opportunity to live differently. Perhaps in a way that aligned  more closely with my values, eg, less buying; more sharing. 

And rather than be alone -- especially after 18 years of marriage -- wouldn't it be grand to live in community with like-minded folks? 

Cohousing is community designed to foster connection. Physical spaces allow neighbors to easily interact with others...In a way, it all comes down to making the world a better place. Connection, environmentalism, security and community support all draw (us) to cohousing communities. (Cohousing Assoc of America)

Becoming a tenant Froggie

When my brother investigated cohousing in rural Colorado, I supported the idea enthusiastically. Alas, it didn’t happen for him -- but it did stick in the back of my mind. And the timing was never right for my friend P, either, who sought a cohousing community to call home. I knew that demand for cohousing outstrips supply. 

But I caught a break!

While panic-surfing the Internet on a wintery day in January I discovered a classified ad at Cohousing.org. Apparently a couple of Froggies I’ll call “L & L” were offering their home as a furnished rental for much of  2022. The ad read in part:

...Living at FrogSong cohousing offers the rare opportunity to be part of a multigenerational supportive community while enjoying the privacy of your own home…committed to living collaboratively and sustainably...

I was practically giddy as I replied. From the start I promised myself that if the opportunity were offered, I would accept it in the spirit of adventure. And so it happened that on April 1, 2022 I moved in.

Back to the garden, Eve

Laguna de Santa Rosa Trail, Cotati, CA

Almost immediately on day three I made my next blunder. J told me her apartment overlooks that particular garden bed. “Oh,” I said in reply, “so you’re looking at it every day.” I had implied that she was weeding in her own self-interest! In fact – as she politely explained – she’s part of the landscaping committee. “This is what the committee does,” she explained patiently, “rove the property and clear out weeds and overgrowth.”

Note taken: “Anticipate that a broader range of motivations drives people’s behavior here.” 

Lesson: I still don’t know what I don’t know! While self-interest may be innately human, co-housing motivations also include accountability to community and contributing to the common good.

 ~ ~ ~

I have sworn not to take this unique opportunity for granted! I plan to share what I learn. I hope to discover:

•  What do community members love about their lifestyle? What irritates them?
•  What is most surprising to me as a newcomer?
•  How does the community communicate? How does it resolve conflict?
•  What types of activities are shared? What tools and resources?
•  How / are personal boundaries affected by cohousing?
• How does the surrounding community interact with the cohousing community?

And lots more. I will answer readers’ questions to the best of my ability!